May 3, 2012

• Pain, sadness and loss

  After my last post, it's probably not a big surprise to anyone that Joseph is being placed out of our home.    Last Saturday night, he refused to accept John's word that he needed space from Joseph.  After John locked him out of his office, Joseph went into the kitchen and got a butter knife.  He used it to break in despite my warning not to, James telling him not to, and John telling him not to do it.  He opened the door, smirked at John and said "You can't lock me out of anywhere in this house."  Then he shut the door and stood there.  

  John reacted with a white-hot rage I have never seen before -- in almost 26 years of marriage, he's never been that enraged.  He came out of the room, saying, "I'm going to kill him."  He tackled Joseph to the floor and got him into the bathroom.   I was screaming for John to stop and trying to pull him off Joseph, without success, and James came running, and was able to get John away.  I got in between the two and Joseph got up and backed into the shower.  John was still trying to reach him, and James pulled him to the doorway of the bathroom.  It was not our family's finest moment. 

  I tried to get John to leave the area so he could calm down.  I put my hands on his face, stared him in the eyes, and a stranger was looking back at me.  I couldn't find my husband in him.  I walked away from the group -- James standing in the bathroom between his dad and brother, trying to calm everyone down.  Joseph was standing in the shower, mouthing off to John.  I tried to get John to come over to me, and he said in a deadly calm voice.  "Call the police."  He refused to leave the doorway. 

  Eventually the police arrived, and Joseph got admitted to a psychiatric hospital I used to work at in the area.  He treated it like it was an inconvenience to his schedule.  He told me that I needed to stop letting emotion get in the way of business with him.  If we would just let him get whatever he wanted without getting emotional about it, things would be fine.  He said that several times.  When I pointed out that we are a family, not a business, he responded that he has no emotional attachment to our family, and frankly would prefer that we not have one to him.  He threatened to charge John with assault, and said that he could probably get money if he did. 

  We've been praying and asking for prayer for a placement for Joseph and the funding for it.  I called a woman who is an attachment foster parent for the county.  I haven't been in touch with her for about 10 years.  She gave me advice and told me who to contact at San Diego County Adoptions.  She told me about a program out of state that specializes in dealing with attachment disorder and oppositional defiant disorder.  I called Monday, and the adoptions assistance worker listened to my situation, and implied that I should have called sooner.  She told me about the same place that the previous woman had mentioned, and said that the program will be funded by adoptions assistance for as long as Joseph needs it.  I called the admissions person at the facility.  We talked about Joseph, his behavior, attitudes and so on.  He asked questions, and said that the program would accept him.  We told Joseph Tuesday at a family session that he is going to be placed.  He was shocked.  He ended up walking out of the session.  Later that night, during his visiting hour, he told me he'd like to smash my head in with a chair.  I thanked him for his restraint and he walked away while flipping me off.  He was angry because he spent the entire hour trying to talk me out of placing him.  I asked him what would be different if he came home -- his response was that after he paid us back for locking him up in the hospital (  ) he would carry on as usual. 

  I'm so sad, my heart is broken.  Yesterday, he let John hug and kiss him, his friend, Jared, kissed him goodbye, Jared's mom, Nina, kissed him, and when I tried to kiss him, he shoved me away, and ran down the hall saying, "Don't touch me."  I've been the target of his rage for so long now, but this got to me in a way I can't articulate.  I love Joseph so much, and it hurts so much to have him reject me, telling me he hates me, that he'd like to kill me, wishes I was dead, and that he's never liked or loved me.  I know this is his hurt and anger speaking, and some day he won't feel this way, but he does now, when he's leaving for up to 18 months.  I need to see some slight shred of the boy I know is inside this hateful teen, but I haven't.  He leaves tomorrow morning for another state.  We won't be able to communicate with him for 3 weeks.  Then he gets 10 minutes per week on the phone with us.  He won't have access to a cell phone or the internet at all.  It's 40 miles from the nearest town.  We can't visit until 3 months after he's there.  Then we only get to see him on the ranch.  At least while he's in the hospital, I get to spend an hour a day there.  They're picking him up at 6 am tomorrow.  I'm sending one of his quilts that Grandma Myrt made, and his skateboard with him. 

  I couldn't go to work Tuesday and I'm not there today, because I can't focus on anything, I keep crying, and it feels like the death of our family.  I believe this is God's plan but, oh how it hurts. 

  • 11:57 am
  • 2 Comments